So we've all had our fair share of rejection these many years of living. Many of them are rite's of passage...cliquey friend groups, the young love that isn't shared, college rejection letters. You know the feeling, a hotness in your face, maybe a tightening of the throat, leaky eyeballs. Most of these rejections seem huge at the time, but looking back they were silly and probably for the better...who really needed to hang out with the mean girls anyways? Am I right?!
But as we grow, the rejection's we face evolve. They are either not new anymore like being rejected by a romantic interest (been there done that) or they are bigger rejections coming from something you have been calculating, cultivating. For example job rejection. You work to be your best professional, most charismatic, well worded version of yourself and you begin to dream of life post hire. How cushy the salary would be, all the great intellectual people you will meet, the fulfillment and productivity of it all. And before you know it the job you applied to has you hooked and you are ready to start and BOOM rejection in YO FACE!
But seriously I haven't had this sort of rejection in quite awhile. I mean things have been going pretty great lately. I've got a man for the ages, a family that has been supporting the hell outta me and this move just fell into place one thing after another. The only thing left is for me to find the job, well the career really. You know I didn't expect it to be easy. I have looked for jobs before it takes time, effort, sore eyes and resume re-writing. But what I didn't expect was for it to frazzle my mind, throw me for a loop and to frankly make me cry so much.
I think this go around I was expecting to land my dream job. My hopes were high, we moved across the country, so my job should be just as epic, akin to the rest of my life right now. But it feels like with each job I can get behind, it's like naw girl we don't want you. It makes me wonder about myself. I am not the most confident of people, but I know I am smart, have too much schooling and that I work hard and I thought I deserved these jobs, but maybe I'm not what I thought all along.
Don't take this post as a self-pity fest, that it is not. I still think I am smart I just wonder sometimes if the picture of myself is not what others really see and if there is something I can do to rectify that. I am going to keep trudging along at this job hunt business and be as hopeful as I can, because well I have to. But for now it has served as a weird source of self-reflection which I can both appreciate and be unnerved by.
ttfn.
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